I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i now understand why vodka
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize