she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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