U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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