His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you told grandpa to call you daddy
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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