when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
