i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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