Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
