Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
