apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
