My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
