My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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