If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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