You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
