Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
