I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize