I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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