Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
