got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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