im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
