Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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