I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
