when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
