Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
