Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
