my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize