She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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