I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
