Dude my mom stole all your condoms
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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