dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
