just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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