the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
