I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
