isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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