I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
