A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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