Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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