Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
