dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
