my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize