So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
