If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
