you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
two words...techno handjob
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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