Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
