5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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