I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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