I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
