I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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