Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
