I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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