Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize