I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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