You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
