Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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