It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Text me some of your sweat
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
