can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
