I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have aggressive nipples.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize