I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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