I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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