Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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